I received a call...

...today that was long awaited. I don't know how I feel about it.

What is supposed to happen when you look forward to something for a long time and then it works out the way you planned but then you're not as excited as you thought?
I will take a day to breathe and pray.

8:1:3

I have been home for 8 months, 1 week and 3 days.

I can feel myself peeling away from myself. Not in the "I'm an onion and I have lots of layers to explore way." More of a "neglected ceiling's paint is cracked and chipping away onto passersby."
I can't remember what it feels like to be passionate about something. Creation, astronomy, learning, poetry, discovery, human rights, issues of poverty and homelessness, community, good conversation, tolerance, vocation, photography, empowerment, education, love. All fallen to bills, jobs, stress, interactions, complacency, fogginess, money, lack of money, searching, fatigue, ignorance.
Vibrancy used to come easily. There was a consistent subtle push forward and outward. Boundaries in my mind and spirit that cried to be broken, were demolished. Questions were spoken that wouldn't have dreamed to have been whispered.
But now an empty cocoon is left behind. I don't feel like that butterfly. I think my wings are malformed.

But I refuse to let this win. I don't know how, but it will not win.

Ball of nshima

I went to a graduation party on Friday. It was for a family friend of ours, she finished nursing school. She also happens to be Nigerian.

Walking out of the party later that night I was tired. And not just from chacha-ing real slow. I had realized a few things:
1. I still don't like dried fish.
2. I really like fried dough balls.
3. Nigerian games that involve people throwing money at you need to be enculturated into my family's celebrations.
4. Being surrounded by people who understand you is important.
5. I need to surround myself with people who understand me.
6. My dad likes to dance.
7. My dad is not a good dancer.
8. My brothers complete my humor.
9. I was born on the wrong continent.
10. You can learn a lot about someone by putting them back in their element.

Lay me down

I noticed the moon the other night. It was shining through the driver's side window. It was bright.
I usually notice the moon. But it was bright and high and it was still early. It cast shadows across the field as I was passing. They were large and dark and morphed. And I liked it.
The car slowed and I continued to gawk upwards. I would have run out to bask in the shadows. For a few moments hide in the depth of its darkness. But snow dust stopped me. So I stayed in the car and watched the shadows dance on the dash.
I took the long way home.

human knot

I'm good at untying knots. People give me their jewelry, shoe laces, vacuum cords. And I can unknot them all.

All except the one at the pit of my stomach.