"You don't need to run if nobody is chasing you."
A good friend of mine-the best-spoke these words a few days ago. They still linger in my ears. While taking some liberties in using it out of context, I am going to make a weak attempt to apply it to my life.
I am always running. My life, for the past 5 years has been in constant transition, never spending more than 3 months in the same place [summers included]. And when I am stationary, I busy myself with tasks and projects without being able to enjoy my surroundings. I am aware that this is entirely psychological. In fact, I have self-diagnosed [a favorite past time of mine] myself with ORD, obsessive running disorder.
It in part stems from fear. I'm not sure exactly of what, most likely a multitude: rejection, failure, dissatisfaction, loneliness, skeletons of the closet variety, tainted pride, etc. Fear paralyzes me. And the only defense mechanism I know to counteract it is to switch gears and do something completely different. I am always running.
It in part stems from my desire to do great things. I only have a few good years left, I'm in my roaring twenties and have so many things I want/need to do before I can't. Why stay in the same place when I could be visiting friends, peoples, countries that would completely transform my life? I desire to do great things. I am always chasing.
And lastly it in part stems from my surroundings. My room is still full of boxes from college, all calling me to move out. My family members all suffer from ORD, acting as enablers. My society tells me that if I am not running/chasing/desiring more/burnt out/stressed/tired I am doing something wrong. I am always surrounded.
Self-medication:
I need to stop running. No one is chasing me...except for me.
Fear can no longer grip my life. So what if I suck? Life will move on.
Step 1: Chill out.
Realistically I will be living in transition for at least 5 more years. And to be honest I don't know that my personality can stay anywhere for too long. But I need to lay some roots. I think that my home will be alright for now, at least until summer.
Step 2: Unpack college boxes.
I have fabulous resources right at my fingertips that are often really easy to overlook. My desire to do great things isn't bad, I just need to be content with doing them where I am at.
Step 3: Be content.
Easier said/typed than done.
12.12.2008
12.04.2008
a few days ago at work a lady came in looking for an outfit for her high school reunion. she was a bit flustered, considering she only had a few hours before she had to leave. after a good few minutes scavenging the floor for something appropriate, she landed in a fitting room. arms piled high with sweaters, gem adorned cottons, tuxedo slacks and satin tops in all colors, shapes, and sizes. another 10 minutes or so she exited, frustration on her face.
time had elapsed for her-too fast. i imagine a marriage, a demanding job, a few kids, maybe a pet or two, a house and it's duties and life in general had taken over. and now she was going to have to face people she hadn't seen in 10 years or so and even if they didn't ask, she would have to explain how life happened.
she told us that when she was in high school she modeled. "you probably would never guess," she said laughing with a hint of embarrassment. but it didn't surprise me. her hair, maybe dyed a bit too much, swept across her forehead as she dug through her purse. her skin, aged with crow's feet wrinkles and sunspot freckles, was worn but glowing. and her shape, the sum of a few kids and life, was beautifully curvaceous.
it didn't surprise me.
we live in a twisted world. our ideals, moral standard, definition of perfection and success are all skewed. men or women who haven't chosen to live a lifestyle that is expected or is supposed to be desired are outcaste. people who choose to put their families first, who don't throw someone under the bus for an extra dollar, who spend their days with the dirty, poor and oppressed, who have their cake and eat it too.
Lord,
guard our hearts and minds from the distracting expectations of the world. let us live.
-pax
time had elapsed for her-too fast. i imagine a marriage, a demanding job, a few kids, maybe a pet or two, a house and it's duties and life in general had taken over. and now she was going to have to face people she hadn't seen in 10 years or so and even if they didn't ask, she would have to explain how life happened.
she told us that when she was in high school she modeled. "you probably would never guess," she said laughing with a hint of embarrassment. but it didn't surprise me. her hair, maybe dyed a bit too much, swept across her forehead as she dug through her purse. her skin, aged with crow's feet wrinkles and sunspot freckles, was worn but glowing. and her shape, the sum of a few kids and life, was beautifully curvaceous.
it didn't surprise me.
we live in a twisted world. our ideals, moral standard, definition of perfection and success are all skewed. men or women who haven't chosen to live a lifestyle that is expected or is supposed to be desired are outcaste. people who choose to put their families first, who don't throw someone under the bus for an extra dollar, who spend their days with the dirty, poor and oppressed, who have their cake and eat it too.
Lord,
guard our hearts and minds from the distracting expectations of the world. let us live.
-pax
12.02.2008
the bridge FM
a few days ago i heard a man speaking on the radio about fasting. taking verses from isaiah, he made it very clear that fasting is not something we bring to God as a clocked out time sheet. "here it is. now you owe me." it is a time that we recognize that we are so minuscule that our physical self needs to be united with our spirit. i liked what he said. isaiah 58 described God's ideal fast and what could happen if the israelites choose to live that way. practically a restoration of God's original plan.
he reminded me of the sabbatical and the year of jubilee. a glimpse into the heart of God. a God who shows compassion and care or all humanity- the God i want to serve.
it is too easy for me [americans] to get caught up in the politics of christianity and the church, when in reality, all we are asked is to "act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with [our] God."
Lord,
let my focus always be your divine plan for humanity- peace, justice, love and mercy.
vienna
he reminded me of the sabbatical and the year of jubilee. a glimpse into the heart of God. a God who shows compassion and care or all humanity- the God i want to serve.
it is too easy for me [americans] to get caught up in the politics of christianity and the church, when in reality, all we are asked is to "act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with [our] God."
Lord,
let my focus always be your divine plan for humanity- peace, justice, love and mercy.
vienna
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