ORD

"You don't need to run if nobody is chasing you."

A good friend of mine-the best-spoke these words a few days ago. They still linger in my ears. While taking some liberties in using it out of context, I am going to make a weak attempt to apply it to my life.

I am always running. My life, for the past 5 years has been in constant transition, never spending more than 3 months in the same place [summers included]. And when I am stationary, I busy myself with tasks and projects without being able to enjoy my surroundings. I am aware that this is entirely psychological. In fact, I have self-diagnosed [a favorite past time of mine] myself with ORD, obsessive running disorder.

It in part stems from fear. I'm not sure exactly of what, most likely a multitude: rejection, failure, dissatisfaction, loneliness, skeletons of the closet variety, tainted pride, etc. Fear paralyzes me. And the only defense mechanism I know to counteract it is to switch gears and do something completely different. I am always running.

It in part stems from my desire to do great things. I only have a few good years left, I'm in my roaring twenties and have so many things I want/need to do before I can't. Why stay in the same place when I could be visiting friends, peoples, countries that would completely transform my life? I desire to do great things. I am always chasing.

And lastly it in part stems from my surroundings. My room is still full of boxes from college, all calling me to move out. My family members all suffer from ORD, acting as enablers. My society tells me that if I am not running/chasing/desiring more/burnt out/stressed/tired I am doing something wrong. I am always surrounded.

Self-medication:
I need to stop running. No one is chasing me...except for me.
Fear can no longer grip my life. So what if I suck? Life will move on.
Step 1: Chill out.
Realistically I will be living in transition for at least 5 more years. And to be honest I don't know that my personality can stay anywhere for too long. But I need to lay some roots. I think that my home will be alright for now, at least until summer.
Step 2: Unpack college boxes.
I have fabulous resources right at my fingertips that are often really easy to overlook. My desire to do great things isn't bad, I just need to be content with doing them where I am at.
Step 3: Be content.

Easier said/typed than done.